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These “For the honesty” posts are proving to be tougher to write than I had imagined they would be. Today’s post is quite possibly the reason for the struggle I’m having in actually publishing them.
Did I say I still love Jesus? Yes, I did: two posts back. Well, it’s true and part of this journey to honesty is learning to love him more.
Most of my Christian life, I have tried to be an exemplary Christ follower. I have wanted to lead by example and let my life show Jesus to others. In all honesty, sometimes that has lead to an inauthentic life. I have not been honest with myself and others all the time. The picture others had of me was often more important than living authentically for Jesus, warts and all. In my piety, right answers at hand (most of the time), I suspect I missed many opportunities to be real with people and to show them how big Jesus’ love must really be if he is able to love someone like me.
Forgive me if I ever gave you the impression that I have it all together. I don’t. Truth is, I’m messed up.
I don’t always feel like going to church. Sometimes, when I’m at church, I want it to be over. I want to go home. At times, I don’t feel like worshiping because I’m angry.
I’m not always good at forgiving. I know I should be but I’m not.
There’s probably been a time when I’ve thought that I’m better than you. That’s because I’m proud and it’s hard for me to show humility when I think I’m right.
Sometimes I want to say “shit” because that’s how my day has been and I have no other way to express it.
Other times, like today, while I might seem like a great dad from a distance, I’m actually rubbish at it and have to spend hours repairing the damage I’ve done to three amazing gifts of daughters I don’t deserve. What amazes me is how forgiving and understanding they are. I have rarely experienced such unconditional love.
I get angry easily and my tongue is often forked. I say things I shouldn’t and sometimes those very same things are said purposefully.
Sometimes I shut you out because I don’t have the capacity for your baggage on top of mine.
We could continue this list forever but then I’d be afraid that you wouldn’t read to the end…
In all of this, I am reminded of the beautiful truth of the gospel. David Crowder, in my opinion, puts it best: “When our depravity meets his divinity it is a beautiful collision”
That is my saving grace. Jesus sees fit to love me, unconditionally, despite all my junk. Furthermore, he makes something beautiful of the mess, especially as I learn to yield and surrender more and more of it to him each day. You see, I’m the leper, longing for healing; I’m the prostitute pleading not to be stoned; I’m the woman at the well with skeletons in the closet; I’m the thief on the cross; I’m Jonah and Judas; I’m Bruce, and I need Jesus.
I need Jesus because without him, “messed up” is a dead end. With him, there’s hope; there’s future.
This is why I love you B.
Honest, heart-in-the-open-for-everyone-to-see living is beautiful, and contagious. This post makes me even more hungry to “live in the light.”
You aren’t perfect, but through this, you are authentic. That’s awesome, in the truest sense of the word.
“When our depravity meets his divinity it is a beautiful collision”
Thanks Kurt. Still have to find a time where we can talk. Need to be inspired by your journey, mate.
Sounds like we have a Romans 1:12 coffee-hang-out in line!
your honesty blesses and challenges me. thank you. its Christ in us, the hope of glory. full of rubbish without Him… i like that song..”knowing every victory is Your power in me..” i love you more for your realness, you are so real Bruce. Bless you man.
Gabs-a-Rama! Thanks. Miss you, man!
dude. i hope by now you know i love you. real you, not fakey you altho i don’t think you’ve let me see that guy too often cos you probly know i won’t buy it – i can echo so much of what you say here and we both live in the proverbial hope that no-one will ever find out what we’re really like cos will they still love us… and yet able to relax calmly in the knowledge that Jesus will. and does. and that He is growing us and making us better and stronger and altho it doesn’t feel like it a lot of the time and there is a lot of snakes and ladders feeling, it is Him that enables us to keep on… love you man, real you, don’t ever need to pose for me – we can say “shit” together altho you know my word will probly be worse…
Love you, guy!
Hi Bruce,
I wish I had the courage that you have, to put in words and publish it for the whole world to read. You’re my Hero man!
Thanks Dieter. I’ve found it tough but also know that layers are being peeled away. All I want is to love Jesus more and be more authentic. It’s a difficult but refreshing process.
Bruce, thanks for sharing, reading your words hit me hard. I don’t know if my experience is in anyway the same as yours, so I don’t want to presume to say so but somewhere in my walk with Jesus, I stopped clinging to the truth that he is my saviour and in a messed up way I tried my best everyday to please Him, my friends and family by doing all the “right” things. Trying so hard can be SO exhausting.
And the result was that I lived a life that felt like a constant pendulum between where I felt proud and self-satisfied when I thought I was succeeding in my effort and self-hating discouragement when I was failing. It lead to dissappointment, depression and thoughts of suicide
My wake up call came when I realised that what I was really doing was running away from God instead of running towards Him.
I had to admit that the reason I tried to do all the “right things” was to keep control of my life, in a sense to get something from God, to put him in my debt so that I could have the life I thought I was entitled to.
The truth has been that I am more wicked, filthy and disgusting than I ever really imagined and yet somehow, Jesus still loves me more than I can understand despite this.
Rose Miller writes in “From Fear to Freedom”, but now I understood what Luther was talking about: ‘In the righteousness of faith we work nothing, we render nothing to God, but we only receive and allow another to work in us.’ This is what he called a “passive righteousness” — a righteousness that is credited to our account through faith. This was Christ’s righteousness, bought with the price of his blood on the cross. This I received by faith. The reason it had been so difficult for me to have a personal faith in Christ was that I had not experienced total forgiveness. But I had now brought real sins — including my attitudes of self-dependence and blame-shifting — to a real Saviour, and they had been forgiven …How awesome it is to be loved unconditionally by a holy, righteous God.
Galatians 5:1 (NLT)
So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.
Just thought I’d say I it was a really cool post
Love you bro. This was a kiff read. Nice to know real people can be real Christians too.