These “For the honesty” posts are proving to be tougher to write than I had imagined they would be. Today’s post is quite possibly the reason for the struggle I’m having in actually publishing them.
Did I say I still love Jesus? Yes, I did: two posts back. Well, it’s true and part of this journey to honesty is learning to love him more.
Most of my Christian life, I have tried to be an exemplary Christ follower. I have wanted to lead by example and let my life show Jesus to others. In all honesty, sometimes that has lead to an inauthentic life. I have not been honest with myself and others all the time. The picture others had of me was often more important than living authentically for Jesus, warts and all. In my piety, right answers at hand (most of the time), I suspect I missed many opportunities to be real with people and to show them how big Jesus’ love must really be if he is able to love someone like me.
Forgive me if I ever gave you the impression that I have it all together. I don’t. Truth is, I’m messed up.
I don’t always feel like going to church. Sometimes, when I’m at church, I want it to be over. I want to go home. At times, I don’t feel like worshiping because I’m angry.
I’m not always good at forgiving. I know I should be but I’m not.
There’s probably been a time when I’ve thought that I’m better than you. That’s because I’m proud and it’s hard for me to show humility when I think I’m right.
Sometimes I want to say “shit” because that’s how my day has been and I have no other way to express it.
Other times, like today, while I might seem like a great dad from a distance, I’m actually rubbish at it and have to spend hours repairing the damage I’ve done to three amazing gifts of daughters I don’t deserve. What amazes me is how forgiving and understanding they are. I have rarely experienced such unconditional love.
I get angry easily and my tongue is often forked. I say things I shouldn’t and sometimes those very same things are said purposefully.
Sometimes I shut you out because I don’t have the capacity for your baggage on top of mine.
We could continue this list forever but then I’d be afraid that you wouldn’t read to the end…
In all of this, I am reminded of the beautiful truth of the gospel. David Crowder, in my opinion, puts it best: “When our depravity meets his divinity it is a beautiful collision”
That is my saving grace. Jesus sees fit to love me, unconditionally, despite all my junk. Furthermore, he makes something beautiful of the mess, especially as I learn to yield and surrender more and more of it to him each day. You see, I’m the leper, longing for healing; I’m the prostitute pleading not to be stoned; I’m the woman at the well with skeletons in the closet; I’m the thief on the cross; I’m Jonah and Judas; I’m Bruce, and I need Jesus.
I need Jesus because without him, “messed up” is a dead end. With him, there’s hope; there’s future.