Let’s just be honest for a minute or two. This might get quite raw. I need to write this off the cuff and get it off my chest: a catharsis if you will. If it doesn’t make much sense, sorry. If it does, maybe you are a fellow sojourner. I pray then that you will be encouraged by what follows.
I am an interesting creature. And when interesting creatures like me work through the kind of junk I’ve had to process the last 3 months some stark realities come to light. Some old truths have become fresh revelations and in the process I have been challenged on many levels.
The biggest shock to my system upon leaving Eastside was to process the loneliness. Akin to slamming into a wall at 100 miles an hour, I went from constantly being surrounded by people to being alone (most of the time). Sometimes it felt like I was no longer needed and that was particularly difficult. The truth of this has helped me, however, to understand something very important about life and relationships and about me and my approval driven personality.
Quitting facebook was the first step for me. My one big fear was that I would miss something; that important things would happen and I would miss out. It also felt great to be “connected” to others. Life sans Facebook has brought me a peace which is hard to describe so I won’t even try. It started a journey, however, of very necessary self reflection and called me to question many of my motives.
Hence, leaving twitter for a season has been more about me assessing my motives than being present in the here and now. Make no mistake, I love twitter. It is an amazing tool but I need to be content with that and not let it become a forum to fuel my addiction to approval. As soon as twitter (or anything else) becomes about the next witty, poignant or clever thing I can say and how many responses I get or how many times I am retweeted, I know it’s time to take it easy. Most will probably not understand this desire to be affirmed but it’s something that I constantly need to keep in check.
This blog is another case in point. I love it because I love writing. It gives me the forum to voice that which might otherwise remain walled within. It is catharsis. It is me. It is a snapshot of the journey at any given point. It is my passion on “paper”. When it becomes about comments, stats and page views, however; the warning lights flicker, albeit dimly, and I am forced to – once again – check the monster.
That is why I’m taking an online holiday. I will not blog unless I have something really worthwhile to say*. I will not care how successful this blog is or isn’t. I will tweet when my 140 characters will make a difference (or automatically when I post on this blog). I will not gauge my worth by how people respond to my creative output but I will find myself again in Jesus and his plan for me.
I will be Bruce, the real and present person, dealing with his own junk while acknowledging that I cannot live this life without Jesus and that as Jesus continues to work with me: moulding, shaping, breaking, pruning – I will continue to be available to his revolutionary work in my heart. I will allow Jesus to strip everything away until I desire only to please him.
Don’t get me wrong, I love you, all of you who might happen to read this post. But I’m tired. I’m tired of living to please you. I will live – again – to please Jesus.
So yes, I will still blog. Possibly even more fervently in the years to come. Not willy-nilly but with purpose. Thank you all for journeying with me. See you when I see you.
* I will continue to post the guest blog entries planned for this month as I receive them (and others if they surface). Personal entries will be on hold for as long as it takes for me to get all this right.